One of the greatest battles your children will ever face is to try to be chaste in grammar school, junior high school, high school and beyond. The temptations in most high schools, including Catholic high schools, are brutal. I heard the story of a freshman in a
Catholic high school who while attending a football game was encouraged by her classmates to have her first sexual encounter with a boy during half time beneath the stands. She acquiesced. Not very romantic.
With all the social media, such as Facebook, X, Instagram, etc., the knowledge of weird sex among teens has gone through the roof. One teacher in a very Catholic junior high school offered her class the chance to submit little pieces of paper with questions they might have about sex and chastity. The questions included several on oral sex, one on phone sex, and more than one on shaving the body around the genitals, to name just a few.
One daily communicant couple told their children they were installing software to record every keystroke on their computer. When the mother saw the results, she said she felt like crying.
So, this is the bizarre world we are facing today. It’s quite different from the world of 30 years ago, before Facebook, Instagram and X.
Respect
Chastity is intimately bound up with respect. If a husband respects his wife and vice versa that is a good start toward teaching their children the respect which undergirds chastity. In fact, Dr. James Dobson says parents teach respect to children by the respect they show each other and by the respect they show their children. If children learn to disrespect their parents, Dobson suggests they will likely have trouble with teachers, with coaches and with God himself. They must also learn to respect themselves.
How will teens treat members of the opposite sex if they have learned to be disrespectful at home? They will use them for their own purposes and will not honor their dignity as human persons. St. John Paul II taught in his book, Love and Responsibility, “The person is the kind of good toward which only proper response is to love.” He says that the opposite of loving someone is using them. This means utilizing someone for one’s own pleasure while failing to honor their own ends or goals in their life.
Respecting others is the basis for good relationships–especially marriages–which is so important, to succeed in work situations, volunteer groups, and just about every other activity in life which involves people. We find in 1 Peter 2:17: “Respect everyone, and love your Christian brothers and sisters. Fear God, and respect the king.”
Four Meanings of Love
There are four different types of love. Parents need to explain these meanings to their children, ideally before they enter the teenage years. The four loves are divine love (agapé), friendship (philia), affection (storge), and emotional love.
Divine love is Biblical love, in Greek agapé. It means a giving of self for the good of the beloved without conditions. This explains how God can love us even when we are sinners and how we can love our enemies.
Friendship
Friendship (philia in Greek) means a bond or relationship based on seeing the same truth or sharing a common interest. After divine love it is the most important love and is extremely important in marriage. "A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter... an elixir of life..." (Sir. 6:14-16)
A story is told of a young boy who found a beautiful friendship with a young girl who was a neighbor. The two could talk about anything, and they felt totally secure in each other’s presence. They delighted in each other’s company, but it was very clear to her and him at first–that they were only friends. As time went on young Freddie (let’s call him) started to have romantic feelings toward her. As they began ninth grade, Freddie asked her out on a date.
Surprised, she asked if this was “boyfriend girlfriend” stuff. He answered, “Yeah, I mean we are such awesome friends. Wouldn’t that be cool?”
Kimberly fiddled around for a few minutes, and finally told him, “I don’t want to lose our friendship.”
She said she cared for him too much to have him as a boyfriend. To her, boyfriends could come and go (in high school for sure), but friendship could last and last. He tried to convince her otherwise, but was unsuccessful. Freddie said as the friendship continued on for many years thereafter, she taught him “how to respect a woman. Be her friend, treasure her, respect her, protect her, love her like a sister.”
They went on to have a beautiful friendship all through high school and college years. (They never did marry each other but they did marry well and they knew how to treat their spouses well.)
What Freddie learned from Kimberly was how to honor her, control his emotions, and the value of a lasting friendship. It was from her that he learned the skills he would need to have a successful courtship and marriage when he was ready.
Does this mean that those in high school who want to prepare for a good, healthy Christian marriage should refrain from entering into a romantic relationship? Absolutely.
Affection
Affection is an expression of tenderness, closeness toward another. It is expressed by a tender kiss, a hug, a touch on the face, or the hand. Affection, according to Karol Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II) in his excellent book, Love and Responsibility, is not aimed at enjoyment, “but the feeling of nearness.” Sharing affection, “has the power to deliver love from the various dangers implicit in the egoism of the senses...”
Affection is an important “factor of love,” but requires an “inner self-control.” (p. 203) In other words, sharing affection is a non-selfish way of relating to someone of the opposite sex.
Alas, affection has come to be seen as merely a prelude to sex. That’s unfortunate, since affection is a beautiful love language in itself, without leading to anything else. And, affection should be the main expression of intimacy during courtship. Developing the habit of affection during courtship is extremely important so that it will be continued as a key love language in marriage, without having to lead to sex.
Emotional Love
Emotional love is a powerful love, good in itself, but it can be a dangerous thing. It is a desire of the heart for "the good, the beautiful and the true in another person," as Plato taught. It seems overpowering when it occurs but it is not. A person still has reason.
Unfortunately this kind of love tends to crowd out reason. C. S. Lewis wrote in his excellent book, The Four Loves, if you make a god out of eros (emotional
love) it will become a demon and destroy you.
This is an extremely important thing for teens to know. Why? Because young people can get all bound up with this love, long before they can do anything good about it. When a teen has this feeling (also known as infatuation), they may be inclined to seal this love, make it permanent. Bring it to the max. There are only two ways to do that:
1. Get married, which would be a bizarre thing to do in high school.
OR
2. Have sex, which has all kinds of negatives associated with it especially spiritual.
(For more negatives, see my book, Christian Dating in A Godless World.)
Why do teens get so emotionally involved? Why did God make us that way? We have to remember that the world of today is vastly different from that of the previous thousands of centuries. When people grew up on farms, working long hours every day, they matured quickly. Working hard, and struggling in general, has a way of developing us spiritually. Marriage was quite possible for a seventeen-year-old.
Not so today.
The industrial and digital revolutions and the need for many years of education has changed all that. Even in their early twenties, people have often not had to grow up and take responsibilities nowadays. Marriage is just not even remotely reasonable for them.
So what is the solution? Reason. We all have the ability to reason and to realize that getting into a deeply emotional romance as a teenager is playing with fire. So, teens have the option to say, “I’m going to avoid romantic relationships until I am older, and marriage is a real option.” For most teens this will require a very strong commitment to avoid romance, regardless of how they feel until they are old enough to pursue marriage.
If I were the parent of a teenager I would warn them about this extremely strong emotion that can come into play regarding a girlfriend/boyfriend, an emotion that is out of place for teens in our contemporary world. If they let it dominate their lives it is likely to hurt them deeply emotionally and morally.
So how does a teen control this emotional state of being “in love”?
By reminding himself or herself over and over again, “Don’t be foolish, making a god out of this emotional state. Calm your heart. Emotional love is strong but it is not a god. At this age, friendship yes, passion no.”
A young person has to argue with his heart like this over and over again, until the heart gives up and embraces the truth. Teens need to pursue friendships with those members of the opposite sex whom they like. Since friendship is the most important of the human loves in marriage, this is a good way to prepare for a healthy marriage. Pursuing a romantic relationship in high school, as many do has been called “serial monogamy.” It’s a good preparation for divorce, not marriage.
And, what does a strong friendship look like? You invite your friend over for dinner with your family. You go out with him in a group. You talk to her about how your life is going, you text each other, you send emails perhaps once or twice a week. You can hug him/her–after all, friends do hug. But there is no holding hands, no kissing, no romantic notes.
Does this require self-restraint? Of course it does, the same self-restraint each will need to control an emotional reaction to someone at work, or in a church group or in some other social setting, when married and there is an unanticipated attraction.
Every married person has to know how to calm his/her heart when he feels drawn to a member of the opposite sex. If he has learned this skill in high school, he will make a much better spouse than one who hasn’t learned this.
One married woman asked a priest years ago what she should do about the fact that she was falling in love with her boss. He told her to stop going out to lunch with him and to think about him very little.
If she had had friendships in high school, she might have known just what to do, and how to control her heart. The heart can go wild, but it can also be controlled, especially early in relationships. In fact, controlling the heart is an important element of maturation.
Overcoming attachments, that is persons or things we feel we MUST have for happiness, is an essential part of developing a strong spiritual life. The strong Christian embraces the truth that God and the things God gives me for the moment are all I need for happiness. All other things in this world are distractions, things Satan uses us to deter us from our main goal: union with God in his kingdom.
That is why St. James proclaimed, “...Whoever wants to be a lover of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” (James 4:4)
If I were married and had children, I would strongly encourage them to take a rational approach on this subject by offering large incentives. These might include paying for college, offering driving privileges, covering the cost of a cell phone (at the right age), or providing a good allowance monthly.
Regarding cell phones, one mother called the cell phone provider of her daughter from time to time to have them turn it off when disciplinary action was called for.
It is very difficult to control the dating activities of your teenager. They often sneak around to have their high school romances. Of course, it is difficult for them to keep these hidden for long, so a parent is likely to discover them in time. Getting angry is not likely to solve the problem. Taking away some of the privileges mentioned above will often help.
Scripture & Church Teaching
1 Cor. 6:9: "...neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers... will inherit the kingdom of God."
Mark 7:21: "[Jesus said] ...out of the heart come evil thoughts, fornication, theft, murder... All these evil things come from within, and... defile a man."
From the Church's 1974 Declaration on Sexual Ethics: “The use of the sexual function has its... moral rightness only in true marriage... The moral order of sexuality involves such high values of human life that every direct violation of this order is objectively serious.”
Catechism of the Catholic Church: "Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes." (CCC 2351) [unitive=marital]
St. Thomas Aquinas: "...when kisses and caresses are done for [sexual pleasure] it follows that they are mortal sins."
Matt. 5:28: “[Jesus said] I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lust fully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” [So it is possible to sin seriously mentally.]
(CCC 2347) The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends, who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality.
(CCC 2348) ...All Christ's faithful are called to lead a chaste life in keeping with their particular states of life.
(Pope St. John Paul II, Love and Responsibility, p. 172) “Chastity is a difficult, long-term matter; one must wait patiently for it to bear fruit, for the happiness of loving kindness which it must bring... chastity is the sure way to happiness.”
Chastity is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. Fruits appear last on a tree. Chastity will blossom & be sustained only with a super-strong prayer life in this over-sexed world!
(For help overcoming sexual addiction, you can go to www.sa.org).
Courtship
What does a truly Christian courtship look like?
Well, first of all, to get into a Christian courtship a person should be ready for a true courtship. That is, they should be old enough to enter into the thing courtship prepares for, namely marriage. In today’s world that would be early twenties at least. So what follows is not advice for teens but for THOSE OLD ENOUGH TO MARRY.
(I go through this in some detail in my book, Christian Dating in A Godless World, chapter three. This is available for the lowest price here on our web site and also at amazon.com. What follows is a brief summary of that chapter.)
As we saw above, Sacred Scripture makes it clear that premarital sex, or fornication, as it is identified therein, is seriously sinful. (See, for example, Mark 7:21-32 and 1 Cor. 6:9-10). But that’s not nearly enough. A number of activities short of fornication, but which set the stage for fornication are also seriously sinful.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church, as we also saw above, is clear on this: "Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes." (Para. 2351) The unitive purpose implies the celebration of an existing marital love covenant. In other words, for our subject, sexual pleasure may be sought only in marriage. This precludes heavy kissing (of the French variety) and touching sensitive areas of the body.
Does this mean couples in a courtship should not kiss at all? No, but it does preclude French kissing, which is highly stimulating to the average young man.
So how does one share affection with their partner during courtship? By hugging a lot, and by kissing only tenderly to say goodnight, standing, and for less than a minute. I have recommended this to several couples and many have liked it. One couple who had been falling into sexual sins tried this and they were able to turn from their unchaste activity.
Hugs are primarily about intimacy; heavy kissing and beyond, primarily about pleasure.
What so often happens in sharing affection during courtship, couples start out by seeking intimacy, but end up settling for pleasure. They're not the same. Pleasure is a poor substitute for intimacy.
An attractive young woman by the name of Hephzibah Anderson wrote a book entitled Chastened describing her one year experiment of not having sex.
She had no apparent religious connection. At one point she was sitting near a man she had just met in a pub and he asked her, "May I kiss you?" Intrigued by the very question, she agreed and each leaned forward, "hands free," and kissed. Her comment: "It was quite chaste really, if you ignored the tongues." (p. 78) (We find allies in the most unusual places!)
Finally, what if someone gets aroused by affection alone? It would seem that by the principle of double effect, a certain amount of this may be okay. The key is not to will the arousal directly in itself. However, any long-term sharing of affection that results in arousal should be avoided, since the longer the arousal continues, the more likely it is that the will is going to embrace it.
Another issue here that often gets overlooked is the situation of a man and woman sitting on the couch and kissing “just affectionately” for some time. Aside from the temptation to fall into sexual sin, there is a problem with this. The whole purpose of courtship is to get to know the other person in order to see if you should get married.
Kissing for a long period of time is not going to help with that process. It’s usually
done because it’s enjoyable, not for interpersonal discovery. So even if there were no arousal in long term kissing (which itself might be a medical phenomenon), it’s counterproductive for true courtship. Long-term kissing is, at best, a sin against prudence.
This is an ever-so-brief explanation of the affection appropriate for courtship. Again, THIS IS NOT FOR TEENS, but for those old enough to be ready for courtship and marriage.
Self-Mastery
To live out what we have spelled out above requires a good deal of self control, or as St. John Paul II put it, “self-mastery.” He wrote in the Theology of The Body, “The ethos of redemption is realized in self-mastery, by means of temperance, that is, continence of desires.” Ethos means pattern here, redemption is the state of a person living in the state of grace. Continence of desires means control not only of one’s actions, but even of one’s desires. In other words by constantly reminding oneself of the benefits of chastity and avoiding high school romance, one trains the appetite and thus, does not even desire what is wrong. In the case of teens it would include rejecting not only unchaste activity, but romantic relationships in high school as well.
In practice, that would call for a teen to remind himself over and over these thoughts for chastity:
1. Sex is holy, not a plaything. It should never be trivialized.
2. Created in the image of God, I can live by reason, not just by urges (as the animals do).
3. Persons are to be loved, not merely used as objects of enjoyment.
4. I must not treat persons as objects, even in the mind, lest I become a user of persons in practice.
5. Unchaste activity destroys my most precious friendship, that with God, the source of all happiness.
6. Unchaste activity brings pleasure but not happiness.
7. Unchaste activity dulls the appetite for friendship, affection and self-giving love.
For avoiding high school romance:
1. Entering into high school romance is likely to crash because we are not mature enough to love generously.
2. When the heart gets entangled, the temptation is to “seal” the relationship with sex. (See above.)
3. Having many sweethearts (likely in high school) is a great preparation for divorce.
4. Friendship in high school is far more stable, and is a great preparation for marriage. This, I am told, is an example of cognitive (self-) therapy.
Pornography
A huge problem for teens nowadays is internet pornography. Parents need to explain to their children before the teen years, but also during their teen years that pornography is seriously sinful (“[the use of pornography] is a grave offense” - CCC 2354), and extremely addictive. It should never be treated lightly. It is a classic manifestation of seeing women (or men) as mere objects of use and seeing sex as merely a recreational activity.
The harm this causes users is very serious, especially in marriage. Young people–and old–should avoid pornography like the plague.
It is because of this issue that parents are encouraged to have the family computer in a public area of the house. Also, parents are to be commended if they provide filtering and monitoring for all computers, smart phones and ipads. A service for monitoring is Covenanteyes.com. It is an act of love to get these programs into the electronic devices of youth. There are many such services out there.
How to Look at A Woman
Once, while at a youth conference at Franciscan University in Ohio, one of our teens commented that he had a tendency to look at women in a lustful way, or at least in a “using” kind of way. I told him when he sees a pretty woman he should say to himself, “You did a nice job on her, God.” And, he should always remind himself, “That’s a child of God.”
He began going around the campus saying out loud withing earshot of the coeds, “Nice job, God. Nice job.” He didn’t exactly follow the instructions, but the women were amused and flattered and he had a more virtuous way to look at them.
Men and women should learn to look at attractive members of the opposite sex and they would look at a field of beautiful flowers. Enjoy the beauty God put there, but you need not pick the flowers.
Chastity Wins
One college girl told the story of her college roommate losing her virginity and inviting in friends to celebrate. Beth told her story, and then the others told theirs. Two lost it during a lengthy relationship, and one lost it in the back seat of a car with a guy she didn’t even like. Then it was Heather’s turn. Heather still had her virginity.
Ryan and I had been friends for months... We shared so much with each other and connected on many different levels... One summer night he showed up at my house. It was late so we escaped to a nearby park and walked through the woods together. He was so sweet in the way he treated me–with total respect. We didn’t even kiss that night, but we held hands for the first time, embracing each other tightly, and experienced the beauty of being close to someone you care for deeply. The room went silent when I finished describing the fun and romantic aspects of that night. One friend looked at me and asked, “Heather, why is your story so much better than ours?”
Bad Boy Syndrome
In high school girls too often find nice young men boring. They gravitate toward the "bad boys" because they are more interesting.
True, these guys are often more interesting but if you look at couples who have strong marriages for 20-30 years you are likely to find the husband was one of those "nice young men," not one of the exciting "bad boys." Young women need to get real about the difficulties of getting entangled with a "bad boy."
Premarital Sex and Divorce
The correlation between having premarital sex and divorce is well known. According to a 1992 study published by the University of Chicago, men who have had premarital sex are 63 percent more likely to get divorced than if they had not. Women are 76 percent more likely to divorce if they have had premarital sex. (Stats from A Case for Chastity, by Heather Gallagher and Peter Vlahutin, Ligouri, Missouri: Ligouri Publications, 2003, p. 7).
Sometimes it is argued that the values of those who do not have premarital sex are likely to be more traditional and therefore more suited to permanence in marriage. True. We are not encouraging people to just avoid premarital sex while holding on to worldly values. What is being proposed is nothing short of conversion to Christ and his entire way of life.
Are Christians Too Concerned With Sex?
The world asks why Christians are so concerned about sex. What’s the big deal? In fact, the world is far more concerned about sex than Christians are. We do, however have a much more reverent attitude toward sex than does the world.
It is difficult to dialog with the world on this subject, since the world has adopted the dogma of pansexualism. The world has convinced itself that everyone should have sex with whomever and whenever he/she wishes, with few exceptions. The fact that unrestrained sex may produce babies is solved by contraception and, if necessary, abortion (in this view).
But, in a moment of candor, many would admit that sex is more than a plaything, and people are more than objects of pleasure. Sex has a deep effect on the participants. Sex is a profound language of love which symbolizes an intimate union. It is a love which overflows into the drawing forth of new life from the hand of the Creator. In no way is it superficial or peripheral, but part of the core which involves the whole person. One’s sexuality might be called his aesthetic core, the place where a person is beautiful, poetic, and artistic.
Sex is also the act in which man “expresses and perfects” his love for his spouse. Every time a man has sex with his spouse he is saying (whether truthfully or not) “I am committed to you for life; I give myself totally to you. I love no one else in this way and my love for you is so total that I wish to have that love overflow generously into new life, which will in turn be a symbol of our love forever.” This is the innate, intrinsic meaning of sex, which makes it both beautiful and sublime.
When sex is misused, it seems there is an inevitable sadness, which is at best a wistfulness and at worst a self-alienation. The idealist within rails at the beautiful symphony which should be inside, but which has been ruined by giving in to an appetite for pleasure. Clearly this is apparent when one thinks of the most terrible expletive one can shout at another.
That awful expression which begins with “f” signifies “I wish you all the self-alienation that comes from unlawful carnal knowledge.” This is an implicit acknowledgment of the fact that sex is sacred and that its misuse is tragic.
Virtually every human heart understands that sex is not, and should not be treated as trifling. Sex is not merely a recreational activity. “Hooking up,” the practice of meeting someone and having sex, and never seeing each other again, was one of the saddest cultural fads ever to come along.
Dignity of Women
A young woman once told me she had slept with her boyfriend. When she seemed unimpressed with the Scriptural prohibitions against premarital sex, I told her, “You know, you’re his slave.” Her eyes widened and she replied, “You’re right. He’s not committed, but I am. I don’t want to go out and find someone else after we’ve done this, but he would. No more sex!”
Another woman was afraid to tell her “Catholic” boyfriend that she couldn’t sleep with him anymore. She was afraid he might break up with her. Eventually she told him, and he didn’t break up. After a few more dates, however, she decided she really didn’t love him, so she broke up with him!
When they were sleeping together, she couldn’t see how bad the relationship was because she was trying so hard to save it and the sex clouded her judgement. When she
stepped back and was able to look at it objectively, she saw how unhappy she was.
All of this simply points to something the wise have known for centuries: women have the most to lose in premarital sex. In modern terms, the sexual revolution has been bad for everyone, but women have gotten the worst of it.
Why was the sexual revolution so bad for women?
When a woman has sex with a man her body produces oxytocin, a bonding chemical (simply giving a feeling of well being). She feels committed to him because she is more integrated than the man. A man's body produces oxytocin too, but his testosterone suppresses it. So, he does not feel so committed when he has sex.
What often follows, then, is a relationship in which one person is committed, and the other is not. The woman tends to put up with his bad behavior because she does not want to go out and find someone else.
The man, if he gives in to his lower nature, tends to be more and more casual about the way he treats her, because he discovers she’ll accept it. The result is often bad treatment for women before marriage, and if there is a marriage, the same bad treatment or worse
after marriage.
In the early 60’s women began to agree more and more to men’s immoral requests and thus began to be treated worse. By the early 70’s many women had had enough and the feminist revolution began in earnest.
The leaders did a marvelous job of identifying the problem, but their solution was worse than the problem. They decided that women could be just like men, asking men out if they wanted, paying for dates if they chose and engaging in lots of sex, as long as they could have abortions to cover their mistakes.
Unfortunately, women can’t enjoy casual sex without doing violence to their natures. And, certainly not abortion. This trend made the breach between the sexes even deeper.
The divorce rate has doubled since 1960. And, some estimates claim that as many as 50
percent of the members of the National Organization for Women are lesbians. Clearly, NOW’s version of feminism isn’t working.
Others are starting to come forward with the same conclusion. Danielle Chrittendon writes in What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman:
... the woman who comes of age today quickly discovers that she enjoys a ... guarantee of ‘sexual equality’: the right to make love to a man and never see him again; the right to be insulted and demeaned if she refuses a man’s advances; the right to catch a sexually transmitted disease, that might, as a bonus, leave her infertile; the right to an abortion when things go wrong, or, as it may be, the right to bear a child out of wedlock. Indeed, in all the promises made to us about our ability to achieve freedom and independence as women, the promise of sexual emancipation may have been the most illusory.”
In A Return to Modesty Wendy Shallit points out,
“The peculiar way our culture tries to prevent young women from seeking more than ‘just sex,’ the way it attempts to rid us of our romantic hopes or, variously, our embarrassment and our ‘hangups,’ is a misguided effort. It is, I will argue, no less than an attempt to cure womanhood itself, and in many cases it has actually put us in danger.” And, argue she does, quite effectively, using articles written by the liberationists themselves in Cosmopolitan, Elle, and Mademoiselle.
Columnist Mona Charen opined some time back that the abstinence program, Best Friends, which helps high school girls postpone sex, turn down drugs and alcohol, and develop real self-esteem, has given back to these girls their femininity.
Here is the witness of the single woman mentioned above, Hephzibah Anderson, who, after years of having a good deal of sex, decided not to have sex for a year. She wrote this in her book, Chastened:
...as soon as I went to bed with a man, I'd lose any clear sense of perspective. I had constantly mistaken casual hookups for rose-tinted beginnings.
However uninvolved I started out–however uninvolved it seemed I was supposed to be–I could not remain cool-headed (or cool hearted) as the temperature shot up.
To admit as much felt like letting down the sisterhood. I knew that as a woman my right to sexual expression was hard won, yet that ideal seems to have been watered down to become intimacy without intimacy. While it is billed as empowering to be able to love and leave a man like a man, to me it felt like I was denying a whole set of instinctive feminine responses, forcing myself to conform to decidedly masculine relationship ideals. And what a waste of energy all this weeping seemed! (p. 30)
"...for a few months I was so completely under his spell that I refused to see it. That spell was sex..." (p. 80)
The point is, women can regain their feminine dignity by living Christian chastity, and helping both themselves and their men to be saved. If men won’t raise the culture to a Christian level (as indeed they should) then women can do it, as they have throughout the centuries. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen had great insight when he said that the level of civilization of any society is always determined by the women. If women refuse to give in to premarital sex, and insist that men treat them well before and in marriage, they will raise up the level of the whole culture.
Men and Chastity
Men have a good deal to gain from chastity, besides saving their souls (as if that weren’t enough!), although for them the benefits are subtler. By committing to chastity and sticking to it, men build up their women more, and allow them to be confident, alluring and mysterious. So often men who have the superior attitude which accompanies premarital sex are greatly disappointed to find their wives have become mousy little women. They seldom realize that they helped create this woman!
By honoring the virtue of their women, men help them to be real persons, with real minds, and real wills, not the willful, angry woman who has rebelled against the bad treatment that so often accompanies unchaste courtships. The woman given over to the
Lord is at peace with her identity, her husband, and the world. Additionally, a chaste man can live in peace with his appetites, and avoid the selfishness which accompanies sexual license. He will be able to transmit the faith to his children in its entirety, because he has lived it. He will know the difficulties because he has faced them himself, and overcome them. Blessed the children of such a father!
Conclusion
The moral law is the manufacturer’s operating specifications. We are free to follow it or not. If we do we will find lasting happiness. If we don’t we won’t.
The one who says, “No one can tell me how to live my life,” is like the one who refused to follow the instructions for his car, and put maple syrup in the gas tank rather than gas.
There is a name for people who do that: pedestrians.
* * * * *
This was written for parents in the hope that you will share this information bit by bit, before your children make some bad decisions. Of course, teaching your children to be chaste must begin long before they become teenagers. More on that early education will be forthcoming.
Resources
Qustodio - an internet filter to monitor where your children go on the web. It’s inexpensive.
A Case for Chastity - by Heather Gallagher and Peter Vlahutin, Ligouri Press, 2003.
Theology of The Body for Teens - by Jason & Crystalina Evert and Brian Butler, Ascension Press, 2006. This is a workbook for teens that can be used in a class.